compassion

Compassion: the power to transform ourselves and our conflicts

by Barry Bittman, MD

So many people seem deadlocked these days—bound by negative emotions directed against others that seem to eat away at the very fiber of their existences.

This actually seems to be the rule for quite a number of people who spend their time focused on battling just about any perceived enemy. The sadness of the situation, when viewed objectively, is the self-perpetuating nature of the deadlock. For, in the final analysis, joining together against a common foe actually serves to generate a very needed sense of camaraderie.

The underlying problem, however, is the glue that hold such comradery together. It provides a sense of security—a common bond unfortunately based upon resentment, hatred or fear. Such feelings are fragile building blocks of any relationship.

Negative behaviors begin early in childhood. I recall a summer approximately 40 years ago when I spent every free moment playing with my best friend. Each morning we awoke and delighted in spending time together doing just about anything that came to mind. Then, one day, the "new kid on the block" introduced himself. He seemed like any ordinary child, and we welcomed him to join our twosome.

Life seemed to continue as usual for a few days, until my original friend began to feel left out, as I was no longer devoting all of my attention to him. In just a short time, the new kid was caught in the middle of each of us competing for his attention. He didn't know how to respond, as the original dynamic duo managed to demonstrate our worst behavior. I eventually became the odd man out, and we spent months resenting each other. Frankly, I don't remember how it ended, or if it ever did, but I do know that my best friend and I parted company, forever. I recall my parents telling me, "two's company, and three's a crowd."

I didn't understand the phrase 40 years ago, and I certainly don't now. Yet, I do realize that behavior beginning early in life seems to somehow survive the test of adulthood. History has proven itself again and again. People have a natural tendency to rally against a common foe, and sometimes, the enemies are those who are closest to us. After all, it's common knowledge that conflict and war unite people. Frankly, it boils down to this—for many, life just isn't complete without an ongoing fight.

How many families seem to always be at odds with one particular relative? And when they eventually kiss and make up, isn't it interesting to note that someone else almost immediately falls from favor to become the focus of another ongoing conflict?

So where does the problem truly originate? Is it an irreparable flaw of mankind, or is it simply lack of compassion for ourselves— yes ... ourselves?

Jack Kornfield sums it up best. "Compassion for ourselves gives rise to the power to transform resentment into forgiveness, hatred into friendliness, and fear into respect for all beings."

Why not begin today by reexamining an ongoing conflict you are presently experiencing with another person or group? Can you honestly:

- remember what actually started the conflict in the first place?

- justify your own behavior as positive throughout the ordeal?

- feel secure about your position, based upon a comprehensive understanding of all the facts on both sides?

- conclude that you would not have responded in a manner similar to your perceived adversary if the situation was reversed?

- admit that you are reaping secondary gains from perpetuating the conflict, such as additional attention from someone important to you?

- accept the fact that your personal sense of hurt or injured pride has become the primary impediment to a beneficial resolution for both sides?

After pondering these questions and others that may surface, try extending some compassion to yourself. Realize that we all make mistakes, and take advantage of the opportunity to become a more complete and successful person tomorrow by forgiving yourself today.

When your "self" work begins to produce positive results (it will become obvious when you start feeling better), pick up the phone, and do the "right thing"— Mind over Matter!