MIND OVER MATTER – 99 Week 4

Back to School: building successful dialogues with teens

by Barry Bittman, MD

If the last dinner table conversation with your teen ended with a comment like, “You have no idea what I’m going through, so get off my back,” I suggest you read on.

Most parents report that attempting to find out what’s going on in the minds of their teenagers these days typically results in an argument and disparaging remarks that do not invite further dialogue. After a series of less than enlightening, disappointing and abruptly ended conversations, many parents tend to give up. It’s not easy for us to understand the pressures our kids perceive as so overwhelming.

I suppose part of the problem lies in the fact that we naturally tend to compare their experiences with ours. While your kids cringe at such comparisons, you’re probably saying to yourself that life was different when we were their age. No doubt¾ you’re right. From a global perspective, the Littleton incident pales by comparison to the memories of our friends who returned home from Viet Nam in body bags.

Yet differing perspectives serve to build the walls between parents and children. The world through their eyes exists through their experiences, not ours. For each successive generation, history books documenting bygone eras read like novels when personal experiences are lacking.

So perhaps the best way to reframe communications in a positive light is to attempt to understand a perception of life minus the experiences of our past that are imprinted deeply in our minds. This is only an exercise, of course, as the lessons so painfully learned in our past are not easily overlooked, even when we try.

A novel way to approach this issue is to find out what our teens are really thinking. Since they’re unlikely to give us the scoop, let’s take a few moments to review some interesting findings from a survey recently conducted by the U.S. Department of Education. Over a thousand teenagers from around the country were asked to list their two greatest pressures.

Interestingly enough, sex and drugs, (issues we might have anticipated), did not receive the highest marks by the kids. Brace yourself for this¾ the two leading issues raised were “getting good grades” (44%), and “getting into college” (32%).

I guessed their third choice, “fitting in”(29%) would have been number one. Isn’t it shocking that a generation which seems so lackadaisical about their future is really concerned about it the most? Add to it the fact that when given a series of choices for potential regrets, the majority of students commented that they should have taken school more seriously. Sounds remarkably rational considering the conversations we’ve experienced and cannot forget.

With this information in mind, perhaps what’s really needed is a change in our perspective. And that change just might have more impact than you’d imagine. In a recent NPR interview, I asked Sean Covey, author of the 7 Habits of Highly Successful Teens, about the factors that most influence teenagers. He commented that three years of extensive research for his book revealed that teens listed (brace yourselves for this) their parents as the most influential people in their lives.

Frankly, that’s hard to imagine, especially in our MTV culture.

Assuming Covey is correct, and we, as parents, truly influence our teens the most, what can we do to ensure just the right amount of guidance combined with the freedom to assume a safe degree of personal control? While that answer isn’t forthcoming in less than several volumes, Covey pointed out a great example.

He noted a story about a teenager who was having a difficult time accepting the separation of his parents. On the day the divorce was finalized, the teen came home, took one disgusted look at his father, and darted angrily out of the kitchen, up the stairs to his bedroom. His father ran after him, threw open the door, pounced on the bed and held his son while they wept together for the next half hour. While no words were spoken, the young man recalls that day as the closest and most important connection he ever had with his dad.

In essence, sharing deep feelings has the potential to break down the walls through which words can never pass. Ultimately, seeing with our understanding and expressing that which comes from our hearts provide the best example for surviving the often overwhelming challenges of youth¾ Mind Over Matter!